Friday, April 11, 2014

Australian Culture

Quick guide to Australian Culture

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".

Understanding Australian Text

To whomever is reading this. 

Firstly I will explain something to you, I am Australian. You are probably not. 

In Australia we have a thing called humour. (yes the spelling is correct, we use a "u" in the word down here.) And an integral part of this humour is called "sarcasm". A loose definition of the term sarcasm could be "a sharply ironical or cutting remark". I could go into depth of the origin of this national predisposition to this sort of humour, but I feel it would bore you. If you are abreast of the concept of sarcasm you will notice I have already used it in an earlier sentence.

I will help you to understand our humour (still with the "u"). See us Australians understand your brand of what you call humor. (note no "u" as it is US based humor). Your humor is easy to understand, you conveniently place canned laughter in the soundtrack so we know when it is funny. Or an event happens, for example Al Bundy will flush a toilet and the audience will cheer, or a man gets slapped with a wet fish, and we know then we are supposed to laugh because it is funny. I find this concept funny. Funny stuff that. Ok, to help you understand Australian humour in future I will insert several "markers" so you don't confuse my humour with trolling.

In future if I am being sarcastic, I will place the tags [sarcasm] and [/sarcasm] around the statement. In fact, the simple act of just placing the tags would constitute sarcasm. I quite like this already. We are progressing well.

If I place a joke that in any way might pass over some peoples heads I will place a tag [canned laughter] so you don't miss it, and you can then chuckle as you read, knowing full well I have just told a joke.

And if I tell a real rip snorter of a joke I will place [Al Bundy flushes toilet]. Sweet.
Now we are enjoying a new found level of cross Pacific understanding and friendship.

What is an Australian? Questions and Answers posted on Australian Tourism

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A:Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send list of doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Monday, April 7, 2014

What happened to Spring?

What happened to Spring in Ohio? Is delayed somewhere and too comfortable to return?
Warm temperatures and outdoor activities is sorely missed!

Winter was long and very cold with more snow than recorded in 20 years here in Ohio!

Global warming or whatever is affecting the changes in temperatures has me with mixed feelings on what the weather will be like when it does finally sort itself out. Bring back Spring weather!

Positive thinking - it will happen!!!

Friday, April 4, 2014

I'm back!!!

I have been sorely lacking in posting on my blog but having found my way back in to my account again I'm back! I am guilty of being distracted by life but will make an attempt to catch up on the past few years.

After experiencing the worst winter I have ever been through in my lifetime I could well do with some reminiscing of warm summer places in Australia. Snow that was once a novelty after spending the winter in Ohio is something I could happily forego without seeing again for many years to come.

The smell of the ocean, the salt in the air and breeze off the ocean, the sounds of waves crashing as they roll in to the shore and the feel of sand on bare feet. That is what I miss.

more updates to come.. stay tuned